Victim-lost months…

After my release from the hospital, it seems that I have lost months in the recovery process. I began to flounder after a session on anger management. A lesson which was supposed to help those who get angry, hit me in that, I felt the anger projected towards me.  Lost, suppressed memories of my childhood sexual, physical and emotional abuses came hurling back at me.  I felt as if I was trampled on.

An individual out on their own with no support when they can’t focus, concentrate or have motivation and is dealing with Post Traumatic Stress is cruel. The support should have come from a therapist. My therapist and I did not get on well. The therapist provided no guidance and support to manage and deal with the recurring nightmares, flashbacks and trauma from the childhood abuses.

The hospital told me I needed to focus on my recovery.  So, I did. My daughter manages my finances since I am not able to do this. But the therapist kept focusing on the fact, she felt I should return to work.

How can I return to work when I am not well? Everything around me is overwhelming. I stopped dressing nicely, stopped wearing make-up. I stopped talking to people. I did not go shopping unless I was dragged out. I stopped visiting the therapist, but needed a better support system.

Several months passed in the blink of an eye.  My insurance provided a list of therapists, but I needed to call them.  Calling a therapist was difficult.  Making any phone calls was a challenge.  I could not keep facts straight. I had to screen them and they were screening me. Who would be a good fit?

At the same time, I had difficulty with medications from the psychiatrist.  I lost weight with one medication, However, after visiting an ear, nose and throat doctor, he felt the medication caused my severe tinnitus.  My head rang all of the time-day and night. My head still rings loudly all of the time.

I was on five different prescription medications over a six month period.  The weight lost was gained back because of side effects of the new prescriptions. I have no energy and no drive. The psychiatrist does not listen to me regarding how the medications make me feel. I started bringing my daughter to the appointments with me to help the doctor understand.

I was not sleeping well.  I would wake up two to three times a night. I rarely slept during the day, but I was in a fog and daze. The prescriptions for sleep did not help. I am a zombie. I still am not sleeping well.

Somehow I heard about Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) and a Fisher Wallace stimulator.  It took me a couple of months to ask the psychiatrist about these treatments.  SHE ACTUALLY TOLD ME SHE HEARD GOOD THINGS ABOUT TMS! What?? Why did I, the patient which has no PhD in Psychiatry have to ask about optional treatments.  Her reply was that her facility did not offer these treatments.

My dear friend, Chris, was so helpful for me.  She continued to be the voice of support and nudging for me.  I did hear from a few people from my job call but after a while, I hear nothing.  But that was OK. I really did not want to see people at all.

Chris has known me for nearly twenty years.  She provided guidance and helped search the internet for groups to support individuals suffering from childhood abuse. Why didn’t my therapist help me with finding resources to help me???

This is where post release from the hospital patients can be lost and over whelmed. I found the following resources with support from my friend Chris.

Four months after being release from the hospital, I began TMS therapy. Five months after release from the hospital, I participated in an Adult Survivor of Childhood Abuse group therapy session.  Both of these treatments were not found from my health insurance, therapist or psychiatrist.

Sadly, I had to stop my TMS treatment for financial reasons.  I lost my car insurance coverage.  I hope to start treatment again soon.




Victim-Baby Steps


I was admitted to an outpatient day partial hospitalization program. My diagnosis was major depressive disorder and anxiety. The artwork describes my confusion. The only way I managed was to strive for perfection.

Suburban Hospital in Bethesda, MD, provided skill sets to help with managing my illness. The Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) was provided at the end of the program.  The WRAP contained:

  • Daily Maintenance/Planning List
  • Triggers
  • Managing Emotional Triggers
  • Managing Worry
  • Stages of Anxiety
  • Paradoxical Attitude
  • Mentalization
  • Self Sabotage Behaviors
  • Prodromal Symptoms in Major Depressive Disorder
  • Anger Management
  • Deep Breathing
  • Meditation
  • Sleep Health
  • Healthy Boundaries
  • Cognitive Distortions
  • Health Care
  • Mindfulness
  • The Five Love Languages
  • Locus of Control
  • Aggressive and Passive Behaviors

Suburban also provided support with Art Therapy and on-site therapist and psychiatrist.

I was released after finding a therapist and psychiatrist outside of the program.  Suburban also provided additional resources for after release.

The missing element was support after release.  Bimonthly therapy and monthly psychiatrist appointments was insufficient. Having the inability to focus, concentrate and motivation did not help when the therapist did not fit and help my needs.  I struggled for months trying to find support for the trauma from the childhood abuses.

I felt like a lost child in the woods. Nothing but tall trees to be seen for as far as your eyes can see. No end in sight. Baby steps, one step at a time in this journey. But I feel so very alone.

Next blog-discussion resources for adults suffering from childhood abuse.


Victim-my emotional crash

As a child I was abused. Most of my life, I have suppressed the traumatizing memories by focusing on academics in high school, partying in college, my professional career, and my children.

Then one day I crashed.  I no longer cared about anything.  I just did not care. I had no thoughts for the future. Period.

I was getting ready for work one day and it was raining outside. I was not able to find an umbrella and I broke.  Seriously, an umbrella was the reason behind my crash.  In actuality it was the level of stress I was suffering. I slept all day after I did not go to work when I crashed.

My family took me to the emergency room the next day.  The emerency room physician indicated I was addicted to my anxiety prescription, suffered from anxiety and probably major depression. I was placed in an outpaitent day program at the hospital.

It is my hope as this blog covers my journey from abuse to striving to thrive, that I will not only be able to help myself but also to help others. The journey is slow and I am on the path to thriving, however, I am not yet there.  It has taken me nearly eight months to put my thoughts in writing to discuss abuse which begain when I was a child.

Know you are not alone. There are resources available to help. Finding the correct resources for your specific needs can be challening.

I will use a peudonym in this blog because I am not ready to tell the world who I am.




The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton